The Mommy Chronicles – This Is Not A Toy

If you’ve ever seen something with “This Is Not A Toy” printed all over it and wondered what idiot would give this to their child? Well, this story is for you. Today’s Mommy Chronicle is another one of those “I never had a clue” moments. I’m pretty sure that will be the theme of my life as a parent, 30 years from now I will look back and be able to title my experiences as a mommy: “I never had a clue”.

This is for you folks who haven’t had children yet. Non-breeders. Do you ever look at warning labels, you know, the ones that read “This Is Not A Toy” and think “What moron would give this to their child to play with?” Yeah, I used to do that-turns out, I’m that moron. You see, once I had children I realized how hard it is to entertain them sometimes. And there’s an isle or two devoted to entertaining babies at every Walmart and Target-an isle with fancy colorful toys. Toys that light up, toys that play music, and my favorite: toys that make crinkling noises. . . just like your swepco bill. . . but guess which one your child will prefer. . . yep, the swepco bill. My 8 month old daughter loves to crush, chew, and sling bills and magazines around like she’s either trying to hang on to a buckin’ bronc until the buzzer or waiving her flag of surrender. Except we, her parents are the ones who are surrendering. Yes, Walmart sacks are dangerous and present a suffocation hazard, you wanna know why they had to print that all over the sack? BECAUSE BABIES LOVE THEM!!! The “This Is Not A Toy” trick I’ve been using for the past couple of weeks-it’s kind of embarrassing-but it works so well, I place her on the floor in her recalled bumpo chair (another great parenting move on my part) and to keep her occupied I hand her a single, wrapped feminine hygiene product. It’s her favorite. It makes the crinkly noise and is easy to chew on. This is the new low I’ve reached. The only problem is it’s not a very portable trick-it’s not like I can bust out with ‘em while we’re at Olive Garden. I can imagine the funny looks as my child chews and slobbers all over Playtex products as we scarf down endless salad in the few moments of time we save with bad parenting decisions. I thought I would feel better for confessing. Maybe we should rename this The Mommy Confessions? So the next time you see “This Is Not A Toy” printed somewhere and you think about the moron who might try to use it as a toy. . . . . . well, at least you know where to find me. I’m busy trying to raise this: