Here's how trick-or-treating goes for parents of young kids. You dress up the kids in whatever they want and send them out to collect candy from across the neighborhood. When the kids return home, as responsible adults, we don't let them have the whole bucket of candy...mainly because we don't want to have to scrape them off of the ceiling. What we are entitled to do as parents is give the children one or two pieces of candy per day, while eating the rest ourselves after they go to bed. That is our right as a parent. It's in the handbook right after the chapter entitled "Explaining the 'Because I'm your mother and I said so' Argument."

So, being that we will be eating the kids' candy anyway, I need to point out some candy that has no place in any Trick-Or-Treat bag.

  • Circus Peanuts -
    Circus Peanuts -

    Circus Peanuts

    I'm not sure exactly what these are made of. They say it's marshmallow, but I'm fairly certain it's dried caulk.

    These things are one step away from the peanuts that you put in shipping boxes...only these aren't as tasty.

  • Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses -
    Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses -

    These Things

    The real name for these are "Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses." I call them "I didn't have time to go to an actual store to buy candy, so let's pick up something in the check-out of a liquor store to give to the kids" candies.

    They are some combination of flavors that range from stale peanut butter to spent coffee grounds and have the texture of slightly melted crayon. If you hand these out during Halloween, you are a bad person.

  • Bubble Gum - thinkstock
    Bubble Gum - thinkstock

    Gum...Of ANY Kind

    Hey, guess what...gum isn't candy.

    Gum is a commitment. You have to chew it for a while. You can't just eat it and pop another piece in your mouth. This gets in the way of Smarties, Snickers, and actual real candy. Keep the gum in that bowl on the table by your keys till it hardens enough to use it as slingshot ammo.

    That's what it's meant for.

  • Candy Corn - thinkstock
    Candy Corn - thinkstock

    Candy Corn

    I don't know if you're aware of this, but they made one batch of candy corn in 1927, and for nearly a century kids have been passing the same bags around.

    Candy corn is made of wax and sadness. It tastes neither like candy nor corn and does nothing but ensure your Jack-O-Lantern becomes a urinal at some point in the evening.

    This vile "candy" needs to stay in the bowels of Mordor from whence it came. It's gross. Period.

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