Decoding The Female Language

I do not feel as if I am giving away secrets of our gender by telling all men the "real" meaning behind certain words that we women use from time to time. No, this is not a betrayal, primarily because we have been using our "hidden" language for years without men catching on--chances are they still won't get it once I spell it out very clearly. Beware the words: "nothing", "fine", and beware of the loud sigh.

"Nothing"

If you ask us what is wrong and we reply "nothing". . what we really mean is, "how on Earth can you not realize what is wrong and you better be thinking very hard about what you have done and how you are going to fix it, because in a few minutes things are going to get nasty." If you cannot figure out what is wrong, apologize. Trust me. Make it sound sincere. And DO NOT consider this an apology "I'm sorry for whatever YOU THINK I have done"--that insinuates a degree of crazy on our part, and you have NEVER seen crazy until you actually call us crazy.

"Fine"

"Fine" is a primary instance where you MUST pay very, very close attention to our TONE. If we state that we are "fine" in a upbeat, chirpy tone--no worries, proceed. If we, however, say that we are "fine" in a quipped manner (quickly with flat or borderline poisonous affect) you might want to take a bathroom break. While you are in there you will need to:

1) Pray

2) Look for any escape route

3)Pay someone to beat you up. . maybe seeing you bleeding will make us forget about whatever you or someone else has done to enrage us

"The Loud Sigh"

The loud sigh covers an extremely broad range of female emotions from "Why did I marry a moron?" to "Will this day ever end?". The best answer for a loud sigh is be nice, bring us our favorite drink from Starbucks, rub our feet, clean the kitchen for us, deal with the kids---pamper us and then back away slowly, because just like when dealing with aggressive strange dogs, if you run, we may attack you.